When Your Partner Struggles: Supporting Moms Whose Partners Face Mental Health Challenges
Motherhood is demanding in ways that stretch even the most grounded person. Add a partner struggling with mental health challenges—depression, anxiety, PTSD, bipolar disorder—and the emotional load can become overwhelming. Many moms in this situation feel torn: managing the needs of their children, trying to stay emotionally available for their partner, and somehow attempting to care for themselves, too. This invisible weight often leads to exhaustion, loneliness, and guilt. And while many moms instinctively focus on caring for everyone else, the long-term cost of this can be their own well-being—and the emotional climate of the entire household. As a couples and parenting therapist, I want to name what’s often left unsaid and offer practical tools rooted in the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to help moms stay grounded, feel less alone, and remain emotionally connected to both their partner and their children.
The Hidden Emotional Load
When your partner is dealing with mental health struggles, you may become the emotional anchor for the entire family. You might find yourself:- Minimizing your own needs to avoid “adding to the burden”
- Feeling more like a caregiver than a romantic partner
- Wondering how to talk to your kids about what’s happening
- Worrying about the emotional impact on your children
- Silently grieving the partner or relationship you used to have
How This Impacts Your Mental Health and Your Kids
Kids are highly attuned to the emotional atmosphere of the home. If you’re feeling anxious, disconnected, or resentful, it subtly shapes their sense of safety. That doesn’t mean you need to be perfect—it means that your well-being matters, deeply. Research shows that children of parents with untreated mental health conditions are at higher risk for emotional and behavioral challenges (Reupert, Maybery, & Kowalenko, 2012; Goodman et al., 2011). Chronic stress and emotional suppression can also lead to burnout and anxiety in mothers, especially when they feel they must hold everything together alone.Gottman and EFT-Inspired Strategies for Staying Connected and Grounded
1. Prioritize Emotional Safety in the Relationship
Gottman research shows that emotional safety is the foundation of a strong relationship. Even in times of struggle, small moments of connection—like checking in, validating each other’s emotions, or expressing appreciation—build trust and resilience. (Gottman & Silver, 1999)- Try this: Schedule 10 minutes daily for “stress-reducing conversations” where you listen to each other’s worries without problem-solving. Just listen. Just care.
2. Tend to the Emotional Bond, Not Just the Symptoms
EFT reminds us that at the core of conflict is often a longing for connection. Your partner’s symptoms may be loud—but beneath them is a need for comfort, reassurance, or closeness.- Try this: Gently reflect on what your partner might be feeling underneath the behavior. Are they pulling away because they feel ashamed? Lashing out because they feel scared? Naming these softer emotions can shift you from conflict to compassion.
3. Name and Express Your Own Emotions
Suppressing your emotions to keep the peace often backfires. Children benefit when they see their parents express emotions in healthy ways. So do partners.- Try this: Use “I feel” statements, not to blame, but to connect. For example: “I’m feeling overwhelmed lately and need some space to recharge. Can we talk about how to make that happen?”
4. Build a Circle of Support
You don’t have to hold it all. Moms often feel they should be able to manage alone, but caregiving is not meant to be a solo act. Social support is essential to long-term resilience and emotional health.- Try this: Identify at least one support person—friend, therapist, parent group—who you can be emotionally honest with.
5. Create Micro-Moments of Connection with Your Kids
Even if your bandwidth is low, tiny moments with your children matter. Dr. Daniel Siegel calls these small but meaningful moments of “connection before correction” the building blocks of secure attachment.- Try this: A 30-second hug, a moment of eye contact, narrating your own emotions (“Mommy’s feeling sad today, but I’m glad we’re together”)—these build emotional literacy and security in your child.